My guts, not spilled entirely but sort of a belch.

Did I mention that I was widowed this year?  I think I did, but I put the how and why on the shelf for a bit. It is a nearly new day and I feel pretty positive about going forward today, once I get on the back side of the worst of the PTSD, so I will spill my guts some now.

In February, I was made aware that my husband did something unspeakable.  I reported it, and he killed himself rather than face the consequences. In the span of 48 hours I went from wife and mother to widow and mother and honestly, I never saw it coming. I knew something was very wrong in my marriage and life for the last few years, and I self medicated myself into a pain pill addiction that nearly cost me the rest of everything, but I really didn't know Lord Honey, at all.  And now I never will. Sobriety will be worth fighting for, but it won't fix my head, I have to work on keeping myself sane.

If I try to list the worst things about this experience, the list is horribly long, so I really can't do it, even in therapy, because a fifty minute hour is ultimately just fifty minutes, after all. So over time I will discuss the worst things about it here, and do some needed purging so I can keep moving forward.

Today though, I will mention the best things about the worst thing I have ever experienced.  First, I now really believe in the Divine, not because I want to see a way of life that puts Lord Honey in hell, but I want him to be forgiven and not in hell.  I have not forgiven him for the horrible things he did yet, but I want to, and the help of my higher power will get me there but right now I still seem sort of stuck on more earthly experiences, like the train wreck in my life, and the carnage the two of us wrought by self destructive behavior. Second, going to the edge makes you appreciate the guard rail. I am glad that I never wanted to jump ship myself, although excessive use of pain pills can get you there-that was never my goal.  Now I don't have to numb myself (certainly I see the fun in it, but the danger too) and the pull to get back off the edge is strong-I want to be happy again, and I can almost see the path.  The path is littered with obstacles like the thousand and one things a husband leaves in your life, some good, some bad, some ridiculous in the power of their impact, but the path seems possible now, if I help people and be gentle with us all.  And seek joy.