Why some girls just need to go to a salon

OK, nothing on my schedule so I'll dye my own hair and save myself the big salon fee.

Lord Honey says to me: just don't stain the new bathtub.
Me: Oh no, I'll be careful.
LH: Why not just go to the hairdresser?
Me: Oh I am not loving the fees I pay and the hours I spend doing it and having to schedule it what with work, the baby's appointments, etc. and now that I had that allergic reaction to professional stuff and I had to get my own special plant based no PPD brand, I might as well make a break from the salon.
LH: If I have to replace the bathtub, the tile goes too. Be careful of the grout.
Me: OK, OK, it will be fine.

LH leaves with the girls and I set up. Planning for a mess I try to get all my ducks in a row. Clear the counter by the sink from extra stuff, put old dark towels on the floor, carefully clip my hair into sections and drape the towel around my neck.

OK here we go. Mix bottle one and bottle two. Oooh, looky, its so dark. I hope it is a nice red to cover my gray, my fake red, and my roots with an even color. Ok, start with the hair in the back section. Oops, there goes a squirt over my shoulder! No matter, I put down towels. Hey this isn't too hard. Oops, another glob. Now, where did that go? I just stepped in it. No matter, I put down towels. Ok, now the side sections. Good thing I used the gloves, this is really dark. Maybe I better drape the new marble vanity or Lord Honey will be unhappy. Better stop a sec. Hey, what is that all over the door? Well, the package said to wipe it off a sink with soap and water. I bet it comes off OK. Finish glooping in. Hmm, package says not to massage, just life it up from the roots with applicator comb. Wow, that sure makes the globs fly upward, I'll stroke down instead. NO DOG! Do not come in, goddammit! You will not track hair dye all over this house, just go lie the fuck down somewhere. OK, all done, put on the wee shower cap and use the heat. Hmm, maybe I should clean up first. Arrgghh the shoulder towel slips to the floor and lands on the other towels. OK, I'll just step on those. I'll use this stain guard for my hairline product from the dye package to remove the dye from the toilet, wall and door. Hmm, not coming off the toilet seat. Hey, kind of looks like a pee stain. Toilets seats don't cost much. I bet I can get the door clean though. Fuck! What is this shit, a solvent? How can something that is citrus based stain guard made to keep my ears dye free be able to take paint off a door? Oh, Lord Honey will not be pleased. I'll just bend over and wipe it off the floor though, hey, that drop came up! What the fuck - did I really just brush my head covered in dye against the door? Oh, thank God for the shower cap thingy. Lord Honey would not love hair prints on the door. Shit! None of this is coming off anything! I wonder where Lord Honey keeps the white paint? Can I coat the door once before he gets home? I bet my hair will be really dark too. Oh wait! The application of heat in five minute increments! OK, use hairdryer, then clean or paint. OK, gloves off, I'll turn them inside out and not make any messes. Hell, how do I get those back on to rinse? OK, wait, check feet, wipe off wet glob. Use solvent. Hmm, this means the bathtub with its acrylic surface is a bad bet. OK, go clean the kitchen sink so I can rinse over real porcelain. Stand on stool to make sure I am going to be tall enough to really bend head into sink when the rinsing starts and keep splashing to a minimum. Hey, I am thinking now - move kitchen sink rug so stool won't slide away from sink while leaning in to rinse. I am not stupid! Ha-ha, I will conquer after all. Five minutes more with dryer. Use gentle hippie cleanser on door and remove more paint. Find surprise drip down behind the towels on towel rack, on the new yellow painted bead board. Fuckity fuck fuck. I really can't paint this over and expect to fool Lord Honey, hell, he is a professional. Five minutes under dryer. OK, I will get this part right and carefully swish the dryer in an even pattern covering whole head for exactly five minutes, as directed. I can do this. Back to front, back to front, side to side, side to side, left to right - hey was that the phone? I'll go see. Hmm, I thought I got on the do not call list, back to the dryer. The dryer won't turn on. I have another dryer, in the armoire. Dad blast it did I just touch my head to the door of the antique armoire?? Ahh, the shower cap. Why am I such a doofus? And I have no clue where the paint stuff is. And if I go down the stairs I'll probably trip and the shower cap might come off and I'll ruin the new carpet and the paint job. I better just confess to Lord Honey and let him fix the paint, in a manly sort of way that will let him feel superior. Rrrrggh. I'll try again with the gentle hippie cleanser. Damn gentle hippies. At least they made this nice plant based hair dye without petrochemicals. I hope it is stronger than hippie cleanser. OK, rinse time. Look, its going darkly down the sink but not staining! Hooray! I don't suck entirely.

Let's check the hair. Coppery red, nice, and the roots? What is that? Is that gray? Nearly as much gray as I had before? Before I dyed all my towels and the bathroom? It can't be. I dyed my gray. I did.