A rant about "mild pedophilia"

I tried very hard not to write about this but apparently I will have writer's block until I do.

Of course I love to look at my NPR app on my iPad, and this week saw a story on evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, who mentions in his new autobiography having been subject to "mild pedophilia" in school.  This popped up a few times in my Twitter feed over the previous week also, I assume, because it stood out for its nonsensicality. It is an oxymoron to me, and I can't work out how the interwebs didn't light up in universal disgust.  My folks, language snobs from way back, would gently mock those who said "half dead" "a little pregnant" or "genuine imitation." Also, since I know a little about the harm done by pedophiles, I have a strong desire to scream about "mild pedophilia" because even if Dawkins didn't defend it per se, a whole bunch of people defended it while defending him, and I am really angry about it all.

No one should sexualize a child. No one.  It isn't mild to do so, no matter what.  Sure kids engage in self exploration, sure they play doctor or whatever with each other, but sexual contact intended to result in sexual gratification of the adult or child is simply wrong.  I am glad if Dawkins wasn't traumatized by his experience, but I hate that he describes it as "mild" pedophilia. Pedophilia cannot be mild, ever, full stop, and you don't have to be a conservative to say so.  When I went strolling about the internet to see what other people thought, my head exploded (metaphorically).  How can there be so many people who would justify this type of behavior that falls short of rape and say that it is how conservatives and the religious right condemn normal behavior? Who are these people?  A lot of anonymous commenters said things like children need to learn sexual behavior and people in traditional societies masturbate children to calm them and that is not seen as abusive, and only in today's modern society do we create the trauma by telling children they were traumatized.

All these commenters say that Dawkins was not defending mild pedophilia the first time, or when he explained his remarks later in an interview with The Times.  Here are the quotes of that interview I found:

Today we read, almost daily, of adults whose childhood was blighted by an uncle perhaps, or even a parent, who would day after day, week after week, year after year, sexually abuse a vulnerable child. The child would often have no escape, would not be believed if he/she told the other parent, or told a teacher. In many cases it is only now, when the abused children have reached adulthood, that these stories are coming out. To make light of their stories, even after all these years, might in some cases re-awaken the trauma of not being believed at the time when it was all happening, and when being believed would have meant so much to the child . . .

I cannot know for certain that my companions’ experiences with the same teacher were are brief as mine, and theirs may have been recurrent where mine was not. That’s why I said only “I don’t think he did any of us lasting damage”. We discussed it among ourselves on many occasions, especially after his suicide, and there was indeed general agreement that his gassing himself was far more upsetting than his sexual depredations had been. If I am wrong about any particular individual; if any of my companions really was traumatised by the abuse long after it happened; if, perhaps it happened many times and amounted to more than the single disagreeable but brief fondling that I endured, I apologise.

Something is so very, very wrong that the man doesn't notice the likely connection between this pedophile's actions and his suicide.  That teacher knew it was wrong. Who knows what path led from his touching and assaulting unknown numbers of his students, but when he took his life and "upset" his students he made it clear that he knew he was wrong, and who are we to say his molesting wasn't as wrong as some other things are, and not such a big deal?  It need not be deeply traumatizing to be wrong, it is enough that that one teacher may have fondled so many boys who didn't tell, who didn't get help, and who then went on to "initiate" other boys that way and thereby doom so many other kids to being victims.  The code of silence begins with each victim, and each failure to recognize the harm done, and the minimization of saying "well, it didn't hurt me much" degrades the care we owe to every other child who that perpetrator's actions ultimately affect.

Would Dawkins be able to view this the same way if it had happened to his own child? If he could, then the Selfish Gene he writes of must be dominant in his family, and I am sorry no one could nurture it to less prominence in his psyche, but I surely don't want him as my neighbor, kids' teacher, or professor. I want to be around people for whom children deserve to be protected from intentional harmful actions regardless of the level of harm intended or inflicted.  Introducing a young person to sexuality is just plain wrong.  Sexualizing a child, acting without consent and without that child being capable of understanding their feelings is not ever mild, it is always and forever a moral wrong. I have never been called conservative but I want to stand up now, for all past and future victims and say, an adult who touches a child and intends sexual gratification or either party is wrong, and not mildly. Pedophilia is not mild at all.

Ability Found, for ability lost - pulling a The David Cook for charity

The history of why I do this is found here and here.  Aunt Becky at Mommy Loves Vodka had herself quite a lot of fun tricking the Google SEO algorithm into putting her blog at the top of the list for searches for John Mayer, on account of him being douchey and all, so, having had all that fun, she challenged her readers to do something similar for charity, harnessing the power of the interwebs to promote awareness of charities that matter. 

Ability Found is local to me, but assists people far beyond Salt Lake City. 

Ability Found provides the opportunity for everyone who is disabled to receive the right equipment to become productive members of society.These disabilities include conditions such as cerebral palsy, spina bifida, multiple sclerosis, stroke, cancer, spinal cord injuries, gene abnormalities, hydrocephalus, amputations, diabetes, congenital impairments, heart disease, and lung disease. The medical and rehabilitation equipment we purchase is vital to our clients being involved in society and includes power wheelchairs, power scooters, manual wheelchairs with custom seating, handicapped vans, walkers, gait trainers, standing frames, bath equipment, continence supplies, braces hospital beds and pressure relieving mattresses.

I personally vouch for Ability Found because my daughter's favorite PT, commonly called The Angel of PT at my house, Michael J. Workman, is one of the key service providers who matches up people with equipment they need.  Michael J. Workman, a god among physical therapists, is also the inventor of the Bamboo Brace, for which I credit much of my daughter's extraordinary progress battling CP and the effects of an infantile stroke.  Michael and others like him go to a person's home or work environment, assesses the need of the individual, and looks for the right equipment to give a person greater freedom.  How sweet is that?  And they give their stuff to people for free!  Ability Found was started by a family whose son was severely injured due to a lack of oxygen at birth, and thy turned their experience with tragedy into one of hope, when they realized the needs that so many have that might be helped with medical equipment.  It all runs on donations, and Ability Found can be found right here, so you can check it out and give 'til it hurts. 

What I meant to say was . . .

I joined "Bloggers Unite" which exists to raise consciousness about issues, having bloggers share their thoughts with others about things that matter, like the day for premature babies (check) or babies without shelter or Haiti or a million other things of consequence that deserve reflection. Whatever. I meant to get this up on September 8, a day to celebrate and encourage literacy, and I missed that, but today I'll dash this off, to tell you to thank your parents, teachers and all that is holy that you can read my words. Any words. Any words at all, because you have a gift that many lack, and a lifetime without literacy is a lifetime without books. Need I say more? Who cares, I will. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without the girls I read as a child -in Anne of Green Gables, the works of Laura Ingalls Wilder, the migrant farm workers' children in Lois Lenski's books, the depth and breadth of my understanding of people from all economic classes, in other periods of history, action in the face of adversity or learning how to love and be loved.

Last week, in court, I saw a man who wasn't given much in the way of gifts with which to start, and he may have squandered what he had with drugs and alcohol and poor choices. You might see him begging, or perhaps he is too proud to beg, but he lives off LDS Bishops' assistance, food stamps when not incarcerated, and a part time job at the local LDS charitable store that exists to teach job skills and self reliance skills to help folks get out into the workplace. He is over fifty, convicted of felonies, tattooed, and illiterate. Where exactly can he work, to pay the fines and restitution he owes? The court wondered had he any assets to pay the costs he caused to another. He has no upper teeth, why would he have material assets like a car? When asked if he was entitled to other benefits, VA or social security, admitted he was denied for disability and had probably never worked enough to pay in to the retirement option. He did two terms in the National Guard but was discharged when they realized he was illiterate, so it was proven he cheated to get in, so his discharge means no benefits whatsoever.

What might have made his life different, richer, more rewarding, and worth maintaining?

Literacy would have been a great start.

We can't take it for granted.

The March of the Babies

We are not marching. We are celebrating the girl who lived, the brave little toaster, the three pound baby that could. I could make her go on the March and ask her to understand, but instead I am selfishly celebrating my miniature girl, who turns four next week. We will host ten to fifteen other four year olds at a Little Gym class and eat a Costco cake and open a lot of presents wrapped in pink paper. For any of you out walking and supporting the March of Dimes, I give you my eternal thanks for helping an organization that helps preemies like mine, low birth weight babies like mine, children with metabolic disorders and kids with neurological diseases and injuries, again, like mine. Since I got to to keep my kids, I am celebrating them and donating to the teams walking for these kids and all the other like them:

Little Maddie Spohr, an angel flying too close to the ground

and

Ames, whose twin sister Simone lives on

and

and micro preemie twins Holland and Eden, whose mother asks only that people pledge her team for a dollar (or more) per pound of baby birth weight they had (nine pounds and three ounces for me, so under the new math I rounded up to ten)

and a whole lot of other babies whose needs are great and who look to us for help.

The proof is in the pudding:

She makes me look good, and she loves Obama

My niece, my fabulous very nearly fourteen year old niece, won a statewide essay contest on the nature of community and the meaning of the concept of neighborhood. Today she read her essay at the annual conference of the sponsoring state and local government association.

To me, what means more than the essay that might inspire local government officials, or be shown to other students as an example of winning, or be passed around the neighborhood by the people who are the village who help raise Jax, is what this means to my family, because Jax's success reflects on me and will inspire my girls.

I have never been proud of what status we did (or did not) have. My parents earned very little, lived in poorer middle class neighborhoods, and could not provide higher education to us or even dance or music lessons when we were little. Education was encouraged but never assured to us. My family is full of genius but with little to show for it. My sister and I are the exception with graduate degrees each. We've always raised Jackie that she can do anything, and will do the same for Claire and Hannah. I hope they always believe.

When my niece met local officials at the conference today, she dropped my name as a professional they would know. But now I can drop her name when I see them next. At the city council meeting I'll say "and you've met my niece, who won the essay contest and wowed you all with her wit and confidence and poise." We will bootstrap on each other! My niece! And me! Both succeeding! I don't think she knows it, but she pushes my family out of the realm of "odds are they won't" to "damn straight they will."

I remember winning a prize or getting good grades and getting encouragement from some teachers who might reach out to a child of lesser means to tell her she could, should, and would succeed. I didn't always believe it, and I didn't care about it when I dropped out of school. However, I did go back to school. Those nudges to move forward in life can stay with you. And the people who know me and who know Jackie will now think we were fated to do well because we come from successful people.

So when someone, a President of the United States for example, or a teacher or neighbor or mentor, wants to encourage a child, let them.