Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I am coming back and hanging on.  Really, I am. The gas tank is not empty and the cupboards are not bare.

Take that, CP, pediatric stroke...my daughter can take you!

So we had our clinic visit at Shriner's Hospital yesterday, and the verdict is in...Hannah rocks. I sort of knew this but it is great to be told. I really struggle with accepting acknowledgment for doing well as a parent, because I am so full of self defeating thoughts about my abilities to take care of kids with better than expected needs, but the truth is, I have done well by her. Dr. Mike said so! In fact his words were "best job ever!" But enough of me and my issues, she is rocking it all, so much that we continue to not brace her during the day so she is not inhibited in her voluntary movements. We will continue the night stretching brace and knee brace to make the AFO effective when she might otherwise bend her leg during sleep. I was given the advice that ... Are you ready? ... We need not go to PT but once a year to have an eval and get ideas for activities but life is the PT Hannah needs right now, so I should encourage her to be as active as possible, continue taking walks in our hilly neighborhood, continue going to the bounce facility regularly, continue with dance and any sport or activity that she enjoys, continue to have a big variety of footwear (especially cowboy boots) and so on. We will continue with OT visits and activities, as her hand and arm still need more development but my treating team doesn't think surgeries or bracing will be needed for her gait and mobility. Ahem. Yep, she rocks. Of course we could have increased spasticity with a growth spurt but really the leg spasticity is still dynamic spasticity only.  Basically, no need to borrow trouble and look for negative outcomes. And PT in life rather than at the clinic.

Oh, happy day. Thanks be to God, Early Intervention, the Angel of PT, and an awesome kid. My heart is full.

Rattled

So recovery from trauma, from grief, from anything probably always goes only in fits and starts. One of those sayings we should all drop is that it gets a little better every day, because that sets us up wanting things to get a little better every day and when it doesn't we add it to our stockpile of things we suck at.  We should instead say "every now and then you'll notice that the hard stuff gets a little easier to bear" and leave it at that. Today I learned that my neighbor passed away, just over three weeks after his cancer diagnosis was made, and leaving a daughter in my age range and his wife of fifty years grieving, as well as many other family members and friends.  I was able to run over and give comfort and say nice things but I came home and was rattled and had to have a brief lie down.  When I realized I was not just mourning him and the loss of a father and husband, but also feeling some ugly nasty feelings I don't want to have, I had to get back up. Also, the phone rang and I am trying to actually take calls and stop avoiding people and things, so I answered, to hear from a dear friend who checks up on me now and then.  This friend has the distinction of being one of my few friends who has had the awful experience of losing a child, and having had the trauma fairy come to wave her PTSD wand at her family.  I told her how I'd gotten rattled and she told me that she lost her footing a few days ago when she learned that a neighbor who, like her, had previously lost an adult child who died in a random fatal traffic accident, has now suffered the same again, now losing one of her teenaged twin girls in a head on traffic accident and the other remains in very serious condition.  This mom is driving back and forth from one city to see her injured daughter in the hospital and to see the other at the morgue in a different city.  I can't believe it even though it is surely real.  The horror that family is going through astounds me. And I can't believe that you can survive the worst of the worst, get on the other side of the abyss, and it can happen again.  I can't go through mine again, I know I can't.  So, say a little prayer for moms in distress.

Goodness, that was a lot of extra

I keep hoping my energy is on an upswing, and my mood right behind that, but then it swings back down.  I don't need to tell you this, but do try to never get hit by a personal life Tsunami, because it really is an ass kicker to come back from in so so so many ways.  I am tired of not being who I used to be, tired of being tired, tired of having to lie down and read something soothing after paying a bill or taking a phone call or having a thought.

Today, I am tired by the normal!  Progress!!  Still tired by other stuff too, abnormal as it may be and always will be, but I did more this week for parenting purposes and did not 1) lose my sobriety, 2) lose my faith, or 3) actually let the house get any dirtier.  Success!  The things I did this week that were extra were making a yarn wig for Raggedy Ann (tips to follow), making a poster for my daughter to be Star of the Week at Kindergarten (turns out in my mid 40s I still can't cut out a star free hand, but now I have Google and I can find a template to use, lickety split), attend and assist at 2! class parties, decorate the front porch (I did not however, carve pumpkins, and I tell myself that PTSD means I shouldn't use a knife that sharp while I still have this shaky hands thing going on. Spilled cofffee is one thing, knicked knuckles is entirely another). And like mt depressed people who weigh too much, I ate as many Reeses PB cups as I could, and a smattering of other stuff, so of course I am tired.  Perfect for that extra hour of sleep.

Friday Haiku - This is Halloween Hangover Town

We were late to school
So was everybody else
Sugar is tiring.

School parties were fun
and the Parade was more so
Wonder Woman rocks

Raggedy Ann flops
Now I can make a yarn wig!
But I am wiped out.

Another "first" day
to be gotten through with grief.
I did it, barely.

Congratulate yourself today - you didn't give up!

Already the post title sounds trite, I know, but it is really what I want to say.

You did it! You didn't give in to the stress, the worries, the anxiety about the known and the unknown that lie ahead for you and your family, and the to-do lists, and the unending needs of those you provide for, and the fact that the long and winding road looks really long sometimes. You didn't decide that it was too much. You didn't let negative thoughts and self doubt sink your boat. You didn't feel the weight of the burdens you carry and decide to put them down. You kept going. You did your many, many jobs, and you went looking on the internet for help and inspiration and ideas from people who get it. You deserve to feel good about that. I think you should feel good about being you today.

Brought to you from a gloomy person trying to claw her way out of the abyss, who today, sees joy ahead, and hopes you do too.

Talk to me, TED

Today, after spending an unhealthy amount of time reading about the people in that religion that the guy from Grease and Saturday Night Fever and also the guy from Risky Business were in, I decided to stop looking at distressing things and instead, focus on the positive.  I went to TED.  When I didn't go to bed, because I couldn't sleep any more, at about 4:00 a.m., that is.  I love TED!  Here are the things I learned. . .

Attititude
Awareness
Authenticity

will help me feel better, from the guy who made the 1000 Awesome Things Blog.  Better still if I can pull out a wedgie when no one is looking.

Tell me your favorite TED talks and I'll tell you more of mine.  People who don't sleep well look at the Internet a lot, and I bet we can help each other on this one.