I carry it with me and I keep walking

Mothers get a lot - a lot of bliss and a lot of woe, and hopefully some homemade cards and sticky kisses.

So many women are posting on their blogs and online sources lately about their sorrows. Bloggers great and small are exploring their grief and sharing that experience with the blogosphere. Our online friends have shared with us their losses that are so very great, such as Heather Spohr writing about finding her way in a world without her Maddie Moo, or TeacherMommy's family members facing cancer in a family that has already faced huge loss.

I have been grieving, grieving the loss of my daughter's potential for perfect motor skills, and the uphill battle we will face in every new physical action she will take. I have been sad, and angry and sad again. I have been sad when I should be happy, and panicked when I should be merely sad. The twin demons of guilt and self doubt have plagued me. Every time I end a physical therapy session and wonder if we've done enough at that time I know I will question my abilities every day. And I cry, for my beautiful girl who will have to work so hard. I know my grief is not the biggest I might be required have to handle, but I wanted my daughter to be well, to do well, to roll and sit and crawl and walk with normal efforts instead of extraordinary efforts, and to be a person who didn't have cerebral palsy. This grief is mine, even if I didn't want it to be.

I didn't want to have to do it, I don't want to still, but I will. I will be the brave little toaster. This is what mothers do. Shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, taking steps when crawling seems too big, mothers walk on, because in between those battles great and small are the greatest joys of her life: the touch of the baby's hand on her face, the joy in seeing her little one laugh, watching the child learn to negotiate the world around him.

Universe, I accept your challenge, and challenge you. Like all these moms who rally in the face of the pain they are dealt, I throw down the gauntlet. Next time you deal out damage you may get a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Happy Mother's Day. Universe, you have been served.