Thursday, April 9, 2009

a question for the ages

At dinner last night, a friend mentioned that she tried to follow the example of French women, as told in French Women Don't Get Fat, and ate nothing but leeks for an entire weekend. By the end of the weekend she was filled with a murderous rage, and a hatred of leeks, but was perhaps a tiny bit more slender. My theory was initially that this is where the weight loss comes in - if a person can't stand the food they have available, they'd damn sure eat a lot less. I'm fairly certain if I ate any variant of the onion family for three days I'd be so angry that the gas I'd pass would make me ineligible for human company that I might be willing to just fast altogether. Then I remembered that I'd read years ago in a womens' magazine that French women having perkier breasts than American ladies was because they shower in colder water so the tissue doesn't break down and sag over time. We wondered if perhaps they got rid of the evidence of the leek diet by passing gas in the cold shower but no one in the family would know because they were unable to hear the sound over the woman shrieking in pain from the icy water freezing her breasts into a permanently pert position. The older women in our dinner group denied any plausibility of this theory, and swore that only gravity might be blamed for the breasts that take the southern road. A better explanation - women in France contend with less gravity. This might also explain how the French soldiers "fetcher la vache" in Monty Python's Holy Grail film in order to catapult it onto King Arthur's party. Getting the cow onto the catapult would surely prove difficult for the French guards, unless either French cows are smaller or gravity holds things down just a little less in that part of the world. Research may be required.


  1. Those French are sneaky. I wouldn't put it past them to have redefined the whole gravity thing.

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